Greetings, my soon to be sycophants.

 

 

It seems you have stumbled upon the greatest and most desired secret in the entire literary world.

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​No, no, I’m not talking about the groundbreaking Raven Rock or the critically acclaimed series Spark City. I’m not even talking about the little gems known as The Dellerin Tales.
I’d like to think you are already aware of those masterpieces.
And if you aren’t aware of them, what the hell are you doing reading this introduction?
What do you mean you came here for free stuff?
Free Raven Rock?
Who imprisoned it?
Maybe it deserved it?
Regardless, “Free Stuff” doesn’t sound like me at all.
In fact, before you read any further, I think you should stop what you are doing, and go buy all my books on paperback. Spend the next few days pacing back and forth through your kitchen until the Amazon truck appears at your drive, before reading through them thoroughly multiple times (because holy shit, you just learned there are many prophetic interlinking parts in the collection and the books are designed to be read more than once) before coming back here to read the rest of this paragraph.
Go on.

Off you go.

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I’m not kidding.
I don’t mind waiting at all.
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Ah good. I see you have passed my first test.
You have bought my books.

You have read my books...
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Did you leave a review?
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You’ve gone very quiet, all of a sudden.
You didn’t leave a review, did you?
Because you didn’t read any of my books yet, did you????!!!???
DID YOU?????????
HA!!!!
I caught you with the old “did you review my book" trick!!!!
It never fails.
Thought you could get away with it.
And you are just scrolling and scrolling, pretending everything is alright.
Pretending that you belong on this site.
Well,
If no one is going to say it, I will.
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I think you should leave.
I think you should leave now.
Go on.
That little x button is right over there.
Up there….
Yep, right there.
Before you do exit, admit it.
You just skimmed and skipped over the first sycophant test, thinking it didn’t apply to you?
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Holy shit, I bet you did.

I bet you only came here because you heard you can receive Raven Rock for free.
Wow.
That is some cheek.
And you are so cheap.
So fuken cheap.
I’m going to call you Cheap Bob from now on.
Hello, Cheap Bob!!!
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No, no, no, don’t sigh at me like that.
Don’t roll your eyes and say “this is so lame.”
And don’t speak at the screen trying to justify yourself.
You can talk all you want at the screen but I’m not going to change my mind no matter how convincing the argument.
Look at ya – all hot and bothered, angrily clicking on links, just messing around, probably on your lunch break and all, just killing time.
IS THAT ALL I AM TO YOU??????????
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Okay…
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Let’s just all take a beat.
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Maybe we can talk this through.
Things were said in the heat of the moment.
I see where you are coming from, Cheap Bob.
Maybe we can get through this.
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...

Okay…
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I’ll say this quietly all the while looking around conspiratorially.
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It’s not too late to pop back up the page and follow the initial tasks I set you.
It’s not to late to recover some pride while you are at it.
It’s not too late to be part of the ever growing army of Spark City fans (before you get your free gift.)
It’s never too late to give me money (before you get your free gift.)

I mean, you could just pop onto the Amazon site this very second, and just click the “purchase all Robert J Power books.”
Who would know you got this far without paying dues?
Who would care?
Not I.
Go on.
Quick now, before you have to head back from lunch.
I’ll wait.
I’ll just wait right here.
Watching my bank account…
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Sooooooooo….
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I notice you are still scrolling….
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Well, this is getting awkward….
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Um….
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How are you?
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Anything strange?
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Have you seen the fallout TV show?
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It’s pretty good.
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Well, I really liked it.
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And I’m a fan of the games.
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Well, the later games.
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Don’t pheasants sound like if robots made a bird?
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Just a thought….
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Still reading, yeah?
Books bought and reviewed, yeah?

Congratulations!!!!!!!!

You have passed my second test by taking my shit.
(And probably learned a little of what to expect on a monthly basis when you join The Outcasts.)
WELL DONE, YOU!!!!!!!!
So, because of your perseverance, I feel it’s time to reveal the grandest secret in the literary world.

I, of course, speak of a little something that earns me far more praise than reaching number one in Amazon book charts.
I, of course, speak of a little something that earns me far more praise than actually finishing an entire series within a decade.
I, of course, speak of a little something that earns me far more praise than actually landing a series finale satisfactorily.
I, of course, speak of a little something called my “monthly mail to the fans.”
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“Really Robert J?” I hear you mutter cynically.

“All that scrolling down for this shite?” 
Well, first of all don’t call me Shirly. Just call me the ROB.
Secondly, I got you this far. Just take my hand as I lead you into all manner of shenanigans that earn me far more love and fame than all my books combined. 
I’m not bitter.
I don’t resent this at all.
I’m frigging delighted that it’s these emails which are my legacy.

Deep sigh...

Sign up today and just imagine the fun I have giving fresh updates on current projects!!!!!!!
Sign up today and just imagine the fun I have telling you all about how I’m missing all my deadlines on every single one of them!!!!!!
Sign up today and just imagine the fun I have giving free shit away!!!!!
LIKE A FREE COPY OF RAVEN ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!

(Or else giving away signed physical copies like they did in the olden times, way back when our laptops ran on coal, when smoking was totally cool and when we happily walked twenty miles to school, all the while wearing shoes made out of dried bay leaves and salted guinea pig tears.)
Also, sign up today and just imagine the fun I will have by not spamming you.

I pledge this, when you get these emails, they are an event.
Right.
Those who sign my cheques, and keep me leashed, told me I had to write up this sales crap in less than five hundred words. I just doubled that to annoy them, and I’m not sure they are going to appreciate the journey I went on.
Please sign up to my mail list so I can rub it in their smug as fuk faces.
Enjoy the ride, you legends to be.
Take care of yourselves and each other
The ROB.​

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