Greetings from my cage.
Ho ho ho and all that Merry Christmas craziness.
I know what would be a lovely gift for you all.
Me telling you Spark is finished.
Well… it isn’t. Sorry about that.
I’m really shit at giving gifts. That’s what my wife tells me. She also says I never listen to her but hearing her complain about the freezing cold all month has not been lost on me. She’ll lov... appreciate the socks and gloves I’m getting her. Discounted and all. This isn’t a joke. She’s going to read this post at some point and laugh. Then Christmas Day comes and I’m all up in her face with fuk all else. Oh how we’ll laugh. This is what it is like being married to me. She’s probably going to get me a PlayStation 5 knowing I’m not really able to play much at the moment, what with me closing in on the end game of the best fantasy book ever written. What a selfish cow!
Right, on to actual important things. They’ve told me to build up the book, seeing as I’m pretty far into it by now. I’m to “Whip them into a frenzy so they will buy it when it comes out.” Ugh. Self praise is little praise.
It’s a good book.
You will like it.
You will buy it.
You will declare me the greatest fantasy author in all the four factions and beyond.
They’ve also decided to put a little pressure on me by suggesting they’re putting up a prebook page. That’s right. A fuken prebook!!!!! Are they mad???? I’m shivering thinking about that pressure.
“But awesome master, the Rob, how far are you from the end?” I hear you moan.
Fuk off!! That’s how far I am from the end.
They just sent this draft back with the express notion that I’m to stop threatening my fans and to contain my language. They’ve suggested that for some reason hostility doesn’t help sales. It’s a really good point on their parts.
But, Fuk them too.
They’ve just returned my updated draft, asking for clarification on some language used. They’ve suggested less threatening language I might use instead of aforementioned crude language I have used previously. I’m not sure what that means so I’ve told them to fuk off again.
They’ve just replied yet again and kindly asked me not to remove abusive language or ill intent against them, but instead to use less abusive language with them, and also with you!!!???!!!
Did one of you tell on me????
Aw, you so did. Snitches get stitches, bitches!
Okay, after more back and forth, we have agreed that I will only use the terms “Fuk” in the above sections. I suppose its fair enough.
I think they are fuking with me. Bastards.
They’ve just asked me to use the term “assholes” in previous text. They’ve also said my use of the term "bastards" was perfectly reasonable under the circumstances. In fairness, I’m not actually annoyed at them. But the pricks put me in a corner.
This is turning into such a warm holiday Christmas feel good Rob message.
In regards to your questions, I could give you an exact number, or a rough date of completion but that would suggest I know what I’m doing. Which I kind of do. However, frequently things happen. Suddenly from nowhere one of my characters does something (traditionally, something stupid that I hadn’t expected) and I get dragged along for 10,000 words. Or I just hit a wall and need to play Fable 2 for a couple weeks.
But it is close guys.
In fact, I’m going to give those who control my media a Christmas gift.
Prepare for some proper building up about Actions of Gods.
I’m pretty far in. I’m finishing up some very important parts and soon I will be writing the long goodbye. I’ve waited ten fuken years to get here. It will be beautiful. It will be perfect. It will be satisfying, and it will blow you away.
Why am I confident it will do all that? I hear you ask, and it too is a fine question.
Well, I’ve never written anything like it, that’s why. I never thought I could write something like this either. It’ll start with a bang and get bigger and bigger. It will be spectacular. I am actually excited to get it out to you all. Who’d have thought that?
You have been so patient, my wonderful sycophants this year and you will be rewarded. 2023 will be a great year for books. Not for Door of Stone, not for The Winds of Winter either.
But for me.
Bow down, you fuks!
Seriously though, Thank you so much for your patience. I’ve been writing this monster the entire year with very few breaks. I’ve neglected so many things (like my wife and her lack of adequate foot and hand wear) but mostly and most importantly I’ve neglected the many emails from you amazing people (most asking for a release date or my shoe size for some reason.) I’ve read each and every one of them though.
Truth is, when I haven’t been out walking for hours on end, trying to build up the perfect scene, I’ve been chained to my computer listening to Lord of the Rings extended edition in the background, churning out the words, making this monster the masterpiece I want it to be. When I do get to crawl out of my blood drenched world of Spark most evenings, I simply don’t have the energy to think of anything beyond why they cancelled Teenage Bounty Hunters, or why they haven’t done a remake on Fable 2 and 3 when every other game has had one. I’m a man of limited thoughts admittedly.
As for not replying, I’m a total bastard, and I’ll make it up to you all. If not in a reply, then with your book of 2023. Your kind words have sustained me and made it easier to keep at that computer.
THANK YOU, YOU TOTAL LEGEND FUKS!!!!!
Right, I said nothing of any real importance. Go review my books. Go post about them on chat groups. Go play on social media and say nice things about them, so that Henry Cavill can give up his dream job of creating Warhammer, and go on and produce a Spark City movie instead. I think he’d make a very nice Lillium.
Have a wonderful Christmas friends, stay safe, stay merry and be kind to yourselves and each other.
Aka Christmas Bob.
Ps, I had a Halloween post, done and sent only for it to be returned with the note “Drink less and try again.” I was so hurt and confused. Apparently I wrote it when I was running a fever, and it pretty much wasn’t suitable for any decent eyes. Oh, how I laughed at my lunacy. And I am eternally grateful they saved my street cred.
(They just replied that they are satisfied with this draft.)