Greetings from my cage!
Good day, my fine sycophants.
How are you all?
I’m being all polite in a pathetic attempt at winning your favour, before telling you another month has passed and I’ve little to no update on Actions of Gods.
Rest assured you wild lunatics, I am writing it.
It is getting done.
But it is a monster.
And I am so terrible at hitting deadlines.
They told me what to say in this email and I wrote it down on a note a while back but the truth is, I got water all over it. I used one of those stupid pens that when the ink gets wet it explodes in crazy blurry writing like you’ve just jumped into hyperspace and everything is stretched as fuk and people are grabbing their work stations and leaning back but their stretched hair is still perfect and you can't think of anything more funny to say so you keep writing words on your keyboard without any punctuation' and hope nobody notices and it's really cold and I thought I put the heat on earlier but I didn’t and now my hands are cold and I think one of them is wet from a damp note and the Johnny Depp Amber Heard court case has just come back on so I’m barely here anymore but my fingers keep typing.
Anyway, I know I could trawl through my emails and seek out the original note from about three weeks back but I am far too lazy and I think that whole damp note thing helped fill out an email that has little information in it.
I definitely remember that I am supposed to promote that the new hardcover editions of the greatest fantasy series, Spark City, have just been released.
They delicately suggested you all might buy them if I tell you to buy them.
You should buy these books!
There, are you happy now, you overlord bastards????
I’ve done the plug.
Now, on a previous communication when I first heard about the hardcover editions, I argued that none of you fuks take anything I say seriously. To this they countered that if you wonderful people buy these books, I will receive money. A valid argument admittedly. You guys know how much I like money.
Buy the Hardcovers!!
So, I came back to them suggesting that the mark up was really bad for what we were selling it at. Like really. What were they thinking? I have so much cat food to buy these days.
So they suggested raising the price.
I drooled.
Buy the Hardcovers!!!
However, when I cleaned myself up using a discarded note, I was concerned that the high price might put the fans off.
They said the fans wouldn’t mind for such a wonderful product. That it was market price. Then they played some get in the mood music and shook that new price point in my face all sexy like.
It was a strange Tuesday afternoon admittedly.
But it worked and I totally got in on it. I suggested we should raise it even higher.
They told me the fans wouldn’t pay a thousand dollars for a hardcover, not even if I gave it a kiss, not even if I kicked it down the stairs.
I suggested a link for such an exclusive item.
They laughed.
I laughed.
I waited.
They said they’d get back to me.
So there you go.
However, if you cannot wait for the exclusive “kicked down the stairs by me” edition.
Buy the Hardcover!!!! (At a wonderfully reasonable price.)
Because I told you to.
Also, once more, this last month I have received a crazy amount of messages. They have been amazing and I’ve read each and every one.
You guys rule.
Without doubt, you all help me through the rougher times when the words are slow coming, when I lose all faith in myself as a human, a writer, a legend, and I think longingly of the old days when all I had to worry about was my staff’s conversion rate when trying to get people to rent an extra movie in Xtra-vision. (An Irish video store owned by Blockbuster.)
Good times.
I know I said it last month and I’ll say it again, I will reply to you all, cos dang there are some crackers in there that really got me.
Truly, you guys are amazing. I am just knee deep in Spark City right now and barely climb out of my cage.
Except to watch trash television like a certain live court case.
Fuk me, I want a private island.
Maybe if you all buy Spark hardcovers it will help me. (Especially at the “kick down stairs” price.)
Take care of yourselves and each other.
Rob
Aka Zim Zam for the win.