Greetings from my cage.
My sort of cage.
My still a cage but with a better view type of cage.
Holy shit, it has been a while since I posted. Wow. I’m only realising now. So fuken long. Somehow I’ve managed to turn missing writing deadlines, into missing fan replies, into full on missing updates.
Why?
Because I’m a hack.
But you knew that, and ignore it.
Because you are sheep (this is a set up to another joke. Trust me. It’ll be hilarious. I don’t think you are sheep at all. I think of you more as die hard lunatics who will bow to my every whim and do my deeds at a moment’s desire).
All apologies my dear wonderful sycophants who are still reading my emails and not actually sending them into a spam folder, despite the algorithm’s better judgement.
So, what have I been doing these last few months?
Well, I’ve been working really really hard on ensuring my emails go into spam folders through lack of messaging. I don’t know if it works, but they were shouting all manner of abuse at me the last while about it, and I was watching each turn of the month go by and I would just let them know I’d missed the month, but I’d definitely have one ready for the end of that month. And then I wouldn’t write an update at all. Worked for a while and all.
It took my wife taking me aside this morning to quietly explain that I will make more money if there are more interactions. She had diagrams and everything. She was dressed in that cheerleader outfit she dons whenever she needs me to do something swiftly. Mid cheer, she reminded me of the reasons behind why I do these updates.
I like money.
That’s why I’m here.
That’s why I write.
So here I am. And seeing as I am here, you probably want an Actions of Gods update. That’s fair enough. It is mostly done. Mostly. I could bore you with further details of how long it is. How fuken baddass it is. How it is going to be the best fantasy book of all time, but you guys already know it. Oh trust me, once it’s in the capable hands of my editors I’ll be unable to shut up about it. And neither will you. I cannot wait to get it to you. I cannot wait for you guys to buy it as well.
For once though, I actually have an excuse why it isn’t finished. After months and months and months of nervously waiting, we finally bought our home. Ireland is in the middle of a dreadful housing crisis at the moment so attaining this house is on par with unlikeliness to that of finishing the final book in a series. Needless to say, it has been a distraction.
We’ve moved away from Dublin to another county and we are deliriously happy. It has a moat and everything. You guys know how much I wanted a moat! Without so many of you buying seven copies of every book, I couldn’t have afforded this moat. Thank you!!!!! Now, the fact that our engineer had some worrying points to make about drainage issues of the moat is something else entirely.
IT’S A FUKEN MOAT!!!!!!!
So, back to business.
Those who sign my cheques that’ll help with moat issues have been pushing me to inform you about some new covers coming for the Dellerin series.
It’s like they had a conversation with me about my intentions for the Dellerin series and are excited about future projects now that my current project is nearly done. Go figure they see potential in something non Spark related.
So for now, look at those pretty new pieces of art. Look at them and appreciate them!!!!
And buy them too.
And read them.
And review them.
Like good little sheep. (This sheep joke will work so well when you read further on. In like a paragraph or two.)
In the meantime, I’m writing better than ever. I’m enjoying Actions of Gods far more than I was, now that I see the end. Now that incredible things are happening that I’ve waited ten fuken years to write.
Also, because, I’m in a much more comfortable place for writing.
It’s amazing what a little silence can do. It was so loud these last few months. It’s like the lunatic kids in our old neighbourhood who grew up locked in Covid, all broke loose and they were taking no shit from anyone.
I get it.
I totally get it.
The little wild fuks were catching up for lost time. Licking each other’s eyeballs, hormoning all over the place, being so much cooler than we ever were as kids (I genuinely think it is hilarious how lame they think we all are.)
That said, I turned into one of those fist waving old men the last few weeks. Out there in my dungarees and slippers, being angry for no reason at all but still sharing my knowledge in said old man way.
“Stop shouting so loud, you little shits!" “That’s not music, that’s shite!” “Nobody is looking at you dance on tiktok, apart from creeps!” “That’s not how you break into cars, at all!”
Whoa, I’m getting flashbacks.
For now, we feel so much happier here.
(Here it comes)
The only issue are THE SHEEP in the field over. I can see them now. It’s like they know I’m a vegetarian and are judging me for it. That I’m an interloper coming with ideas above my station. That I don’t like country music. They peer over the fence at me and my cat. Looking in with calculating eyes. Sometimes they are chewing grass and refusing to break eye contact. So obviously, I have to stop watching porn hub and get back writing. It’s pretty off putting. They’re doing it now. That’s why I’m writing this update. They are doing your work my wonderful sycophants. Keeping me dedicated.
Bastards!!!
Fuk off sheep!!!
Anyway, thank you all for your patience, I know you all want to shout at me. It is on the way. This time, I’m probably not lying.
All joking aside, I hope this email finds you all well.
Take care of yourselves, and each other.
Much love.
The Rob
Ps,
I’ve decided to lift the ban on asking me when it’s out.
The answer will be “I don’t know, ask the fuken sheep.”